3AM, Friday Morning

It's very late. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. I need to finish a job before I'll be able to relax enough to get any rest but the internet connection is on the blink (hence having time to write this while I wait for it to recover) and it has to be done over ssh. Right now I pretty much totally hate working for myself. If it wasn't for the band I'd definitely be looking at getting a proper job now where someone paid me money on a regular basis. The difference between when I send invoices out and when money comes back in makes any attempt at financial planning useless and means that life is basically a juggling act between the yawning pits of debt that surround me on every side. It's exhausting and it is stripping all the elements of joy from my life as any time I'm not working I have this niggling feeling I should be working if I'm going to meet the next mortgage installment. That in turn means I end up working until I go to bed, whereupon I still have all my work thoughts going round my head and find myself jittery and unable to sleep. It also means I'm a grumpy old misery who is no fun at all for Lou to be around.

I end up sat here watching the asdl connection breaking just often enough to leave the SSH tunnel I need to maintain approximately 80% unusable and knowing that there is nothing I can do but watch it pass through the activation cycle a few more times and hope it starts working again soon so I can maybe solve whatever bastard problem fcgid, apache and fedora core decide to throw at me text and get some sleep.

The signal seems a little stronger, and I've made some new errors happening (change is always encouraging) so I'll submit this and maybe get something done.

UPDATE: 4:30, I can no longer type words but the web app appears to be working. Time for bed, I think, where I shall probably dream in shell scripts and .conf files.

Toast

( The way the light rose that morning )