glenatron: (Iris)
The title of this post harks back to a previous one which is, in itself, quite weird. I don't feel like I have been using LJ for more than a quarter of my life, but there it is.

This is the last day of my thirties and I have to say, I have come out of it richer than I went into it. Chatting with one of my colleagues about this I realised I have been a ninja, a cowboy, a rock guitarist and a wizard in the last ten years. So at the very least my twelve-year-old self could be well content with my achievements.

I have also been divorced, found true love, travelled to the far side of the world, made new friends, played interesting music and enjoyed a lot of fine stories along the way.

I am taking the next few days off work and plan to dedicate them to a) not putting any pressure on myself of any kind and b) deciding what I'm going to do with the next part of my life. Obviously in a way where I ensure that b doesn't conflict with a there. We'll see how that works out. Either way, I have a [ profile] herecirm with me now, which makes everything better, and she's taking time out from work as well, so whatever we do will be together.
glenatron: (moody othello)
There were things about October 2005 that have shaped my life ever since. One of those things was that the Sequoia album came out, as I mentioned a couple of posts ago. But the biggest one, far and away the biggest, was that on the nineteenth of October 2005, Othello stepped off the horsebox onto the yard and I had a horse of my own for the first time.

A decade is a long time but I feel that I have spent that time well as regards my progress with horses. They were already central to the life I shared with my wife but having my own, in spite of my inexperience and general beginnerish awfulness ( paired with deep enthusiasm ) was a really big deal for me. Othello set me on the path of becoming a horseman, and the grief and pain of losing him fixed me on that course in a way that perhaps nothing else could have. The understanding of loss that I had gone through, gave me a connection to Sari when she lost one of the horses in her life a little later that year, which was how we first came to know one another.

Since then I have ridden colts in Texas, trained up a truly amazing trail horse, taught more than a handful of people about the basics ( and sometimes the less-basics ) of horsemanship and become a passable hand by British standards, albeit still the most average rider you will ever see. I'm working on that part. I have made some enduring friendships - including most of the people who will be reading this - and met a lot of brilliant, smart, interesting and sweet natured horses.

I have reached a different place now - that bright incandescence of enthusiasm is more of a steady glow now, it has resolved into part of me and, as you might have noticed, I am slower to share my opinions these days. It's not that I have lost confidence in them - I know more than I ever did and I am clearer about what needs to be done in many situations than most people are, but I have gradually learned that I can't help most people or their horses. If someone asks for help I will do what I can to assist, but I don't really feel that I have much to prove now. My horses tell me that I'm doing things alright by them and although I know that they are my life's work, I also feel that I need to focus on things that might make me a more immediate profit for a little while. Something that will maybe enable me to afford to spend at least a few years doing what I love most of all. I have used a lot of years up already, but with luck and some smarts, I think I could make enough to cross that bridge perhaps. If I can focus this dissolute mind on a couple of significant projects, at least.

Nobody goes through a decade of their life without being changed by it, but the horses, the change they have brought about in me has been so overwhelmingly positive. Every time I get to the field to be greeted with whickers and whiskery velvet muzzles, I am profoundly grateful for the grace that they bring and the person that they have helped me learn how to become.
glenatron: (moody othello)
Somehow not quite adjusting back to real life yet. After the last month of constant intense learning and really pushing my ability it's strange to find myself back in the world I left behind. Strange and a tiny bit demotivating, which is ridiculous because what I need to do is get better at what I do, so I can eventually afford to do it less and do more of the things I love.

Also I'm feeling time's arrow somewhat- a night or two before my birthday I had a dream in which I was terrified of getting old and everything that goes with it. I don't know why because I don't think I am particularly afraid of that but it was very odd. I can't believe that dear, crazy, [ profile] shanks01 is thirty. That's hit my idea of myself as someone even moderately young pretty hard because Stu's kind of a whippersnapper to me and even he's hit that wall. Still, there's life in these old dogs yet, I guess we'll just pick up our guitars and show these kids how it's supposed to be done.

This is another thing that is bothering me- and I think this is a consequence of getting old- there just isn't much new music that is blowing my mind. I can remember hearing bands when I was in my first intense love affair with alternative music who were just playing music that was, to me at least, stunning and original and interesting. In the last five years I haven't heard anything that even approaches the scale and imagination of Giant Steps, the cynical perfection of Now I'm A Cowboy or the brutal soulfulness of Gentlemen. Do people just not make music to push on things any more or have I lost the capacity to respond to it? Has being settled and married and generally kind of content with how things are somehow compromised the connection I once had with that music? Or is it the fact of having been in the band, witnessed a bit of what goes on in the back rooms, the working of the smoke and mirrors to charm the audience- have I become so sceptical of the music industry that I can't enjoy it's output any more?

The answer I'd like to have, I guess, is that the music is out there but I'm just not finding it. I mean, I've found some good albums in the last year or two- Band of Horses, Fleet Foxes, The Gutter Twins, they're all fine, but none of them have managed to astound me. Perhaps nothing since maybe the first British Sea Power record or the Arcade Fire one I can no longer safely listen to have really captured my imagination and those are getting on a bit by this point.

July 2017

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