3AM, Friday Morning

[glenatron]

It's very late. I'm tired but too stressed to sleep. I need to finish a job before I'll be able to relax enough to get any rest but the internet connection is on the blink (hence having time to write this while I wait for it to recover) and it has to be done over ssh. Right now I pretty much totally hate working for myself. If it wasn't for the band I'd definitely be looking at getting a proper job now where someone paid me money on a regular basis. The difference between when I send invoices out and when money comes back in makes any attempt at financial planning useless and means that life is basically a juggling act between the yawning pits of debt that surround me on every side. It's exhausting and it is stripping all the elements of joy from my life as any time I'm not working I have this niggling feeling I should be working if I'm going to meet the next mortgage installment. That in turn means I end up working until I go to bed, whereupon I still have all my work thoughts going round my head and find myself jittery and unable to sleep. It also means I'm a grumpy old misery who is no fun at all for Lou to be around.

I end up sat here watching the asdl connection breaking just often enough to leave the SSH tunnel I need to maintain approximately 80% unusable and knowing that there is nothing I can do but watch it pass through the activation cycle a few more times and hope it starts working again soon so I can maybe solve whatever bastard problem fcgid, apache and fedora core decide to throw at me text and get some sleep.

The signal seems a little stronger, and I've made some new errors happening (change is always encouraging) so I'll submit this and maybe get something done.

UPDATE: 4:30, I can no longer type words but the web app appears to be working. Time for bed, I think, where I shall probably dream in shell scripts and .conf files.

Comments

[stu-the-elder.livejournal.com]

Sorry, Ben. I realise it's hard as hell for you at the moment, and you don't deserve any of it. I'm going to fish around people I know to see if somebody knows somebody who can help with business practices like gettin' yo' money on time..

Love 'n idiocy,

- Crump

[ciderclaus.livejournal.com]

one possible solution is factoring but that isn't without its own expenses

[spoondog.livejournal.com]

I know I've said this before but it still holds true. You are one of the most amazing and determined people I know. I'm so proud of you and everything you do. It'll be ok for you, it's part of my plan.

x

[glenatron.livejournal.com]

It's good to know I've got friends like you guys around - I know that you're out there when things get bad and without that, they would be much worse.

[north5.livejournal.com]

Chin up guv.
As a wise dog once said, if you think about a problem at 3 in the morning, then again at 3 in the afternoon, you get two completely different answers.

[glenatron.livejournal.com]

But I only want one answer that works...

[life-of-tom.livejournal.com]

The worse bits are there for comparison. That is their point. doesn't mean that they're not awful to fight through, though.

That piece of cod philosophy notwithstanding, I would refer you to what Clare said, and point out that I concurr.

[kittyfantastico.livejournal.com]

If there's anything I can do, just ask. Of course, there might be little I can do, other than to tell you that you're doing a great job - though I completely understand how much of a challenge it is to be self-employed. You have my respect and commiseration.